Letting Go

I made a decision today and I gingerly choose to write about in the hope that I will stick to my decision. The past one and a half months of going back to work has seen its ups and downs. I rush home everyday at 6sharp so that I can bathe Marc before he screams at 7 sharp and demands to be put to bed. But of course, its not always possible for me to make it back on time. On those days, I feel really resentful. I'm resentful that I didn't make it back on time. I'm resentful that my baby sleeps so early (who sleeps at 7 anyway?) I insist on taking care of Marc when I'm home and on weekends. Why? I'm afraid. Afraid that he'll forget his mummy. Afraid that he will prefer the domestic helper than his mummy. And I spend a lot of time worrying about it.

The Husband told me point blank the other day that I have to let it go. It started off with a conversation about letting Marc watch 30 minutes of Baby Einstein a day. I figured he might as well watch something educational and it will give the helper a good 30 minutes of free time to prepare dinner and do the chores. Whilst the Husband doesn't object, he warned me about becoming one of those pushy parents. The Husband feels that just because Marc isn't doing something "educational" doesn't mean he's not learning. He's watching his surroundings, listening to people talk, and learning all the same. He also aptly reminded me that its not the things we do that matter - its God. We have a God that's real and one that loves Marc more than I possibly can. How did I conveniently forget that? In a separate conversation where I griped about not spending enough time with Marc and how resentful I felt, the Husband said that there's no doubt that he will get attached to the domestic helper - she adores him and takes care of him from Monday to Fridays. But he told me with such conviction that there's no way Marc will forget his Mummy. I've been told that by several other friends who are parents themselves. And the Husband is right. I've got to let it go or its going to eat me up inside.

Its hard for me not to worry. In fact, I've concluded that its hard for mothers not to worry, full stop! We spend so much time worrying! Why should I worry about Marc not preferring me? Because I love him so much it would hurt me terribly? Because it would incite such jealousy in me I feel like strangling the nearest person? Because it would make me feel like a lousy mother? Yes - to all the above. But its all about me isn't it? Its so easy to get swallowed up in the here and now that we forget the big picture. Marc will grow, and he will learn, and he will go through phases. I know the road ahead is going to be full of heartache, but I'm going to trust that God knows best. He's never failed me and I know He is with me all the way.

So today at Church when it was time for the Lord's supper, I was burdened to make a decision. And I told God I'm going to let go. This doesn't mean I won't suffer a relapse. And this doesn't mean I will stop feeling resentful. But I'm going to ask God to help me and I've made a decision to let go. I'm not going to let all this negativity rob me of the unspeakable joy from each moment that I do have with Marc. And I'm not going to let this fear rob me of being grateful for the quiet moments that I do have with the Husband and to myself. There are many parents who would kill to have a baby that sleeps at 7 and I'm choosing to be content. I really do have a choice to be happy or a perpetual worrier. I'll choose the former and God help me to stick to my resolve!

On a brighter note, the little creature is learning fast. First of all, he's grown so fat the entire bumbo seat was stuck to his bum when I tried to lift him up today. He can flip several times in a row so he ends up on the floor. And lastly - he's eating everything. I examined his gums today and I can see a little bump on the top left gum - teething!! Good luck to us...he's starting to get a bit cranky and I suspect its that. Am looking forward to starting him on solids soon, although I don't think he's ready for it yet. He's also starting to show an interest in story books, so we're reading to him more. Come Chinese new year, he'll be 5 months old and his bank account will be bigger thanks to angpows!

I'm glad I'm still nursing him and I never thought I would make it this far. I remember the early days where each day that I managed to supply enough milk for him was like a huge victory. My favourite moments now are when Marc decides to suckle - not because he's hungry but because he wants to and he stops every 2 seconds to look up at me and look deep into my eyes and smile broadly, before continuing suckling happily away. They say its hard for working mums to breastfeed - it is indeed and takes loads of commitment and sacrifice, but to me, its the working mums who need to continue breastfeeding because that's the only thing a mummy can do that no one else can.

The Husband asked me if I was going to continue this lack of sleep for much longer (I still can't sleep for more than 5 hours at a stretch, if Marc sleeps through then 6 hours on a rare day but mostly I sleep 2 hours before pumping then another 4 hours before waking up in the morning). I haven't really thought about it but I do intend to continue breastfeeding for a while longer, even if I reduce my supply such that he's taking partial formula milk. To me, the fact that I haven't actually fallen ill from the fatigue is divine intervention! I used to need at least 8 hours in a row every night to function...what a change! But that's parenthood and that's life isn't it? Its full of exciting changes!