Messy Weekend

This weekend was cereal ceremony weekend. It was a riot! We had it all planned. Plastic bib - check. Plastic bowl - check. Baby spoon - check. Baby rice cereal - check. After placing him on the bumbo we made him wear his plastic bib. The Husband was eagerly filming every move. First hiccup. The kid was more interested in the bib than the cereal and started eating the bib. So I removed the bib.

Then we tried again. He happily opened his mouth for the cereal. But he stuck out his tongue and most of it came out. We tried again and same thing happenned, this time he had a funny expression on this face and a little frown. Methinks he doesn't like it! This went on a few times, most of the cereal ending up all over his naked chest and belly. He did enjoy it though and started banging his bumbo seat. He flung his arms so much the entire bowl of cereal ended on the floor, half of it landed on me, half on him.

We'll keep trying. :) We all had a good laugh and enjoyed this milestone.

Milestone Ahead!

This was a wonderful weekend. Whilst playing with Marc on our bed, he reached out and touched my face several times. The feeling is great - its like falling in love all over again, with my own baby! He was extremely amused by some trick I was doing (I can't even remember what it was now) but he reached out and touched by left cheek a few times. The Husband says Marc has never done it to him. The Husband is really sweet, he takes every opportunity to use what Marc does to remind me that Marc's doing it cos he loves his mummy. Whether its true or not, its nice to believe in it so I'll take it at face value.

Marc stuck his hand into my dinner last night. I was nursing him whilst eating and he was so distracted with my spaghetti bolognaise he slammed his entire hand into the plate. He also made chewing motions whilst watching us have dinner. I think he's ready for solids. He's seemed to lose interest in milk and is drinking less than before. So the Husband and I decided that we shall start him on rice cereal this week. Stay tuned for more adventures!

I read a funny article today about Idle Parenting. I've extracted it for your reading pleasure. It sounds a little absurd but it bears some truth in it. I remember making up lots of my own games when I was young and having unstructured play with neighbours, pretending we were radio deejays, travel agents, explorers and the like. I would like Marc to have that kind of childhood rather than to sit in front of a computer screen all day playing computer games or running from class to class.

The Telegragh

Idle parenting means happy children

Cancel all clubs, ditch the after-school activities and leave those kids alone, urges Tom Hodgkinson

An unhealthy dose of the work ethic is threatening to wreck childhood. Under a tyrannical work-obsessed government, years that should be devoted to play and joyful learning are being stifled by targets and tests. Leisure time is being invaded by the commercial and escapist virtual worlds of the computer.

Pushy parents don't help by making childhood a stress-filled time of striving and competing.

Our children's days are crammed full with activities: ballet, judo, tennis, piano, sport, art projects. At home they are entertained by giant screens and computers. In between, they are strapped into cars and made to listen to educational tapes. Ambitious mothers force hours of homework on bewildered 10-year-olds, hanging the abstract fear of "future employers" over their heads.

Then they buy them a Nintendo Wii, the absurd, costly gadget that's supposed to bring some element of physicality to computer games. It's only a matter of time before children have their own BlackBerrys.

I think of the New Yorker cartoon of two kids in a playground, each staring at a personal organiser and one saying: "I can fit you in for unscheduled play next Thursday at four." All these activities impose a huge burden of cost and time on the already harried parent. They leave no room for simply mucking about. They have the other unwelcome side effect of making the children incapable of looking after themselves. When they are stimulated by outside agencies, whether that be course leader, computer or television, they lose the ability to create their own games. They forget how to play.

I recall when our eldest child, a victim of chronic over-stimulation by his anxious parents, screamed "I need some entertainment!" during a bored moment. A chilling comment, particularly from a five-year-old. What now? What next? These are the questions our hyper-stimulated kids will ask. What has happened to their own imagination?

There is a way out of this over-zealous parenting trap, a simple solution that will make your life easier and cheaper. It will make your kids' lives more enjoyable and also will help to produce happy, self-sufficient children, who can create their own lives without depending on a Mummy substitute. I call it idle parenting and our mantra is: "Leave them alone."

The welcome discovery that a lazy parent is a good parent took root when I read the following passage from a DH Lawrence essay, Education of the People, published in 1918: "How to begin to educate a child. First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule: leave him alone. That is the whole beginning."

To the busy modern parent, this idea seems counter-intuitive. Aren't we always told to do more, not less? All parents have a nagging sense that somehow we are doing it all wrong and that more work needs to be done. But the problem is that we put too much work into parenting, not too little. By interfering a lot, we are not letting children grow up and learn themselves. The child who has been overprotected will not know how to look after himself. We are too much in children's faces. We need to retreat. Let them live.

Welcome to the school of inactive parenting. It's a win-win situation: less work for you and better for the child, both in terms of enjoying everyday life and also for self-reliance and independence. I am not advocating slobbish neglect. (Maybe I went too far with my idle parenting when I dozed off on the sofa in front of the woodburning stove, while "doing the childcare", as the ugly modern phrase has it, to be woken by the screams of a toddler who had placed his hands squarely on the hot metal and burned his fingertips.) Clearly we don't let our children jump out of windows or go about with unchanged nappies. There is carefree and there is careless, and there is a difference.

But to create a household free of care would be a wonderful thing. It has become obvious to me, watching our three children grow up, that the more they have been ignored, the better. The eldest had a surfeit of anxious parental supervision and is still the trickiest and most needy (although we're working on it). The second had a little less attention and she is more self-sufficient. The third was born on the bathroom floor and has had to get on with his own life. And he is perhaps the best of all three at playing. Certainly he is the most comical.

The great thing about children is that they like being busy. Since parents like being lazy, it makes sense for the children to do the work. This idea was partly explored in the 19th century, when children as young as five were sent into the factories. The fact that meddlesome liberals have since introduced child labour laws does not need to prevent the idle parents exploiting their own offspring.
One morning, not so long ago, V and I refused to get up. I imagine we were hung over. At about nine o'clock, the bedroom door swung open and in walked Arthur, then six, with two cups of tea. A lot can be achieved by lying in bed. Simply by doing nothing, you can train children to do useful things. During the last holiday, we found we were lying in bed till 10 or 11. By abandoning our kids, they had taught themselves how to get up, make themselves breakfast and play.

Paradoxically, the idle parent is a responsible parent because at the heart of idle parenting is a respect for the child, a trust in another human being. It is the irresponsible parent who hands the child over to various authorities for its education and care, whether that is childminders, schools, CBeebies or the virtual world of Habbo Hotel. Or it is the parent who tries to impose his own vision on the children and does not simply let them be.

Another great advantage of being idle is that it avoids causing resentment in the parent. There is nothing so corrosive or pestilent as resentment stewing in the breast. Imagine making all those sacrifices, putting yourself out for your children, going without, and then they go junkie on you. No, there is no room for martyrs in the world of the idle parent. Our happiness comes first. And that is the right way round. As a cab driver said to me the other day: "My kids are happy because we're happy." Do not suffer. Enjoy your life.

The idle parent is a stay-at-home parent. Not for us costly leisure pursuits at the weekend. We reject the cheap thrills of expensive padded plastic fun palaces, zoos and days out in general. We find fun in our own backyards. We make aeroplanes out of cereal packets and it's amazing how many catching and tickling games you can play with your kids while sitting on the sofa.

The idle parent is a thrifty parent. We don't work too hard and therefore we can't expect to be rolling in cash. With thrift comes creativity. "Waste is unpoetic, thrift is creative," as GK Chesterton wrote. With no money, you start to discover your own inner resources. You make things and draw. Put a pile of A4 paper on the kitchen table, along with a stapler, scissors, crayons and glue, and you'll be amazed at what your children come up with. Forget digital gewgaws. Go analogue. It's more fun and a lot cheaper. Put a bird feeder outside the kitchen window. Fun does not need to be expensive.

We don't care about status and career advancement and how we are perceived by others. We are free of all of that rubbish. We simply want to enjoy our lives and to give our children a happy childhood. What greater gift could there be from a parent? If our children tell their friends in later life that they enjoyed their childhood, I would count that as a great achievement. Better to have a happy childhood than a high-achieving one that brings a big psychiatrist's bill in adult life.

Idle parents are sociable. We recognise the importance of friends. They lighten the burden. A myth of modern society is the idea that "you're on your own in this world". Instead of talking to friends and neighbours, anxious people seek advice in books, websites and internet forums. We resist asking for help or admitting weakness. Be weak! Give up! You can't do everything. Lower your standards. Get friends to help you. Organise little nurseries at your house where parents can chat and kids can play while you ignore them.

I love DH Lawrence's idea of childcare. He says babies should "be given to stupid fat old women who can't be bothered with them… leave the children alone. Pitch them out into the streets or the playgrounds, and take no notice of them." Do not view them as raw material to be moulded into an obedient slave for the workplace of the future. Let them play. And yes, get your friends around. Life is so much easier when the work is shared. Friends bring laughter and joy. There's no sadder sight than the lone parent, pushing her child around the gloomy municipal park, trying to tell herself that she is having a good time.

My idea of childcare is a large field. At one side is a marquee serving local ales. This is where the parents gather. On the other side, somewhere in the distance, the children play. I don't bother them and they don't bother me. I give them as much freedom as possible.

But the life of an idle parent is not so easy. Children do not always adapt to the anti-consumerist model that the natural parent promotes. They want stuff. Children get in your face. They make a terrible mess. They scream and whine. And the mother and father seem to disagree on pretty much everything, from paint colours to mealtime manners, as a matter of marital policy.

There are more worries. Is it mean to deny a child an iPod Nano for his birthday and instead give him a ball of string and The Dangerous Book for Boys? Should I really put a broadband connection in the tree house? Should I work even harder so that they can go skiing and wear expensive trainers? Would I be less grumpy if I drank less alcohol?

Sometimes we doubt our own gospel. So over the coming weeks, I hope to outline an enjoyable parenting philosophy in Weekend, while acknowledging that it isn't always easy.

I will confess my many parenting errors. I am a disaster-prone, chaotic layabout and so should warn you not to listen to my advice. Certainly my friends say the idea of me advising other parents on childcare is absurd.

With that caveat in mind, let us go forth, throw away the rule books, forget what other people think and enjoy family life and all its joys and woes.

Manifesto of the idle parent

We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work
We pledge to leave our children alone
That should mean that they leave us alone, too
We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born
We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals
We drink alcohol without guilt
We reject the inner Puritan
We fill the house with music and laughter
We don't waste money on family days out and holidays
We lie in bed for as long as possible
We try not to interfere
We push them into the garden and shut the door so that we can clean the house
We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small
Time is more important than money
Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness
Down with school
We fill the house with music and merriment

Tom Hodgkinson is editor of The Idler magazine and author of the best-selling How to be Free and How to be Idle.

5 month old socialite

Marc is 5 months old and we're quite sure he's a socialite. This is a picture of the first girl we tried to matchmake him to. She's a 3 month old baby who happenned to be at a friend's chinese new year celebration. He wasn't interested, which didn't surprise us cos he loves older women. He did however become EXTREMELY talkative during Chinese new year. After reunion dinner at the in laws place, Marc started babbling really loudly. He kept this up at the top of his voice for half an hour non stop - which really surprised us because he sleeps really early at home. He's never spent that much time among a large group people before and he loved the attention. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps he cries at home not from tiredness but from sheer boredom.

He's become a proficient flipper so he spends most of his time now flipping from the mat to the floor. We leave him there if he's not eating off it, but we really need to get a playpen or something similar soon.

He's also eating everything. He ate every red packet he received and we told our friends its his way of determining how much money it contains.

The Husband and I are contemplating going away alone for a short while as my parents will be visiting us for a few weeks. They miss Marc heaps and are more than happy to have him all to themselves. Honestly, taking time off work to NOT spend time with Marc is really painful for me. But I realise that I have to make time for the Husband and I have to make time for me. I'm the kind of person that can spend 24 hours with the Husband and not need any alone time. Same goes for spending time with Marc. But its not healthy and if the Husband and I don't go away now, it will not be easy for us to do so again. Marc will still be at home and there will be very little adjustment for him even if we left as he will be in familiar surroundings. I still intend to breastfeed so I will have to lug the pump with me and pump at my usual times, but throw away the milk that I can't store.

Marc seems almost ready to start solids. He's drooling a lot and is interested when we eat. He can almost sit on how own and is losing interest in his milk. Another big milestone to conquer!

Letting Go

I made a decision today and I gingerly choose to write about in the hope that I will stick to my decision. The past one and a half months of going back to work has seen its ups and downs. I rush home everyday at 6sharp so that I can bathe Marc before he screams at 7 sharp and demands to be put to bed. But of course, its not always possible for me to make it back on time. On those days, I feel really resentful. I'm resentful that I didn't make it back on time. I'm resentful that my baby sleeps so early (who sleeps at 7 anyway?) I insist on taking care of Marc when I'm home and on weekends. Why? I'm afraid. Afraid that he'll forget his mummy. Afraid that he will prefer the domestic helper than his mummy. And I spend a lot of time worrying about it.

The Husband told me point blank the other day that I have to let it go. It started off with a conversation about letting Marc watch 30 minutes of Baby Einstein a day. I figured he might as well watch something educational and it will give the helper a good 30 minutes of free time to prepare dinner and do the chores. Whilst the Husband doesn't object, he warned me about becoming one of those pushy parents. The Husband feels that just because Marc isn't doing something "educational" doesn't mean he's not learning. He's watching his surroundings, listening to people talk, and learning all the same. He also aptly reminded me that its not the things we do that matter - its God. We have a God that's real and one that loves Marc more than I possibly can. How did I conveniently forget that? In a separate conversation where I griped about not spending enough time with Marc and how resentful I felt, the Husband said that there's no doubt that he will get attached to the domestic helper - she adores him and takes care of him from Monday to Fridays. But he told me with such conviction that there's no way Marc will forget his Mummy. I've been told that by several other friends who are parents themselves. And the Husband is right. I've got to let it go or its going to eat me up inside.

Its hard for me not to worry. In fact, I've concluded that its hard for mothers not to worry, full stop! We spend so much time worrying! Why should I worry about Marc not preferring me? Because I love him so much it would hurt me terribly? Because it would incite such jealousy in me I feel like strangling the nearest person? Because it would make me feel like a lousy mother? Yes - to all the above. But its all about me isn't it? Its so easy to get swallowed up in the here and now that we forget the big picture. Marc will grow, and he will learn, and he will go through phases. I know the road ahead is going to be full of heartache, but I'm going to trust that God knows best. He's never failed me and I know He is with me all the way.

So today at Church when it was time for the Lord's supper, I was burdened to make a decision. And I told God I'm going to let go. This doesn't mean I won't suffer a relapse. And this doesn't mean I will stop feeling resentful. But I'm going to ask God to help me and I've made a decision to let go. I'm not going to let all this negativity rob me of the unspeakable joy from each moment that I do have with Marc. And I'm not going to let this fear rob me of being grateful for the quiet moments that I do have with the Husband and to myself. There are many parents who would kill to have a baby that sleeps at 7 and I'm choosing to be content. I really do have a choice to be happy or a perpetual worrier. I'll choose the former and God help me to stick to my resolve!

On a brighter note, the little creature is learning fast. First of all, he's grown so fat the entire bumbo seat was stuck to his bum when I tried to lift him up today. He can flip several times in a row so he ends up on the floor. And lastly - he's eating everything. I examined his gums today and I can see a little bump on the top left gum - teething!! Good luck to us...he's starting to get a bit cranky and I suspect its that. Am looking forward to starting him on solids soon, although I don't think he's ready for it yet. He's also starting to show an interest in story books, so we're reading to him more. Come Chinese new year, he'll be 5 months old and his bank account will be bigger thanks to angpows!

I'm glad I'm still nursing him and I never thought I would make it this far. I remember the early days where each day that I managed to supply enough milk for him was like a huge victory. My favourite moments now are when Marc decides to suckle - not because he's hungry but because he wants to and he stops every 2 seconds to look up at me and look deep into my eyes and smile broadly, before continuing suckling happily away. They say its hard for working mums to breastfeed - it is indeed and takes loads of commitment and sacrifice, but to me, its the working mums who need to continue breastfeeding because that's the only thing a mummy can do that no one else can.

The Husband asked me if I was going to continue this lack of sleep for much longer (I still can't sleep for more than 5 hours at a stretch, if Marc sleeps through then 6 hours on a rare day but mostly I sleep 2 hours before pumping then another 4 hours before waking up in the morning). I haven't really thought about it but I do intend to continue breastfeeding for a while longer, even if I reduce my supply such that he's taking partial formula milk. To me, the fact that I haven't actually fallen ill from the fatigue is divine intervention! I used to need at least 8 hours in a row every night to function...what a change! But that's parenthood and that's life isn't it? Its full of exciting changes!