I can't believe I've made it through 4 months of motherhood. And in 4 months, I've crossed many hurdles, much more than I have in my 29 years of life! The first month was a struggle - the blues, coupled with breastfeeding woes, inadequacy and doubt over being a parent, worry about whether I was doing it right, coupled with lack of sleep and a very very hungry baby. Thankfully, God sent the confinement nanny to help and a very understanding husband.
Second month was sheer fatigue. I don't remember much besides the 3 hourly pumping sessions, endless scrubbing of bottles and pumping equipment, lots of crying and a few bright days when the Husband took me out of the house. God sent my parents who were such a blessing and an encouragment, and told me that I was doing just fine.
By the end of the second month, my parents had left and there was about 2 weeks of adjustment and hell again. But I managed to adjust, overcome the fear of going out alone with Marc and even managed to cope with the lack of sleep, taking care of Marc without any hired (or parental) help and cook dinner from scratch!
The third month was when it dawned on me that I really didn't have much time left with Marc. Once I decided to go back to work full time, every day was a mad rush to spend as much time with Marc as I could. At 3 and a half months I made the transition back to full time work. I wouldn't say that I've totally adjusted yet, but I'm getting there. Looking back on those sleep deprived, difficult early days, I really thank God for seeing me through. After speaking to a few friends, many have told me that they would not have persisted with the breastfeeding - not just because its hard, but also because I have a milk monster who doesn't feed well from the breast, hence I've been doing double work, pumping and feeding and without hired help at the time. I couldn't have done it without God's help and lots of encouragement from fellow mums.
As for breastfeeding, Marc and I have settled into a happy balance. I still pump 5 times a day, once in the morning, twice at work and twice at night when I come home. I'm really glad I persisted, since Marc is growing very well and as a working Mum, its something that brings me close to my baby. Being away from him is harder than I imagined and with the little he sees of me, breastfeeding is the one thing I can do that no one else can. Its hard not to feel possessive, especially since Marc doesn't show a preference to anyone. I still rush home like a headless chicken in the evenings so that I can bathe him and put him to bed. And I still wake at 6am daily so that I can feed him and interact with him a little before going to work. But on days when he sleeps a little later in the morning or a little earlier in the evening, my interaction with him can be a whole of 10 meaningful minutes. I still wonder how he remembers his mummy but everyone assures me he will.
I spoke to a colleague who's a fellow Mum and she agreed that a mother's heart is full of heartache and worry. I realise that I'm very blessed - I have a good domestic helper that I can trust Marc with during the day. Sure, I worry about whether he'll get too attached to her, hence I insist on spending as much time as I can with him when I'm home, down to the feeding and diaper changes. But I have friends who are not so lucky and have to put their babies in infant-care centres or with nannies during the week.
Chinese new year is round the corner and we have one thing to look forward to - re-couping our losses after 4 years of giving red packets and not getting anything back! Its a chinese tradition that cannot be avoided and those of you who are married with no kids will know what I mean...withdrawing a 4 figure sum of new notes every year with no re-coup is VERY expensive...so we're teaching the kid to put his hands together and say "gong xi gong xi". He gets the idea but we have yet to see him perform on cue.
He's now learnt to roll over both ways, which means we can't leave him in one spot and expect him to stay there. He loves to eat his fingers and he loves to watch TV. In fact, he's such an old man in a young body, he continues to surprise us. The husband and I spoke to him after one of our night feeds. He was sitting quietly on the dining table (its tiring carrying a 7kg weight and its a bit hard to have a conversation when he's on your lap) and the Husband asked him what he thought about a letter we had received. Marc actually turned around and bent forward to examine the letter - as if he could read the contents! We both burst out laughing! He loves to talk and likes it even more when people talk to him.
He's growing and learning more each day and he truly is a bundle of joy. For those of you who are thinking of having kids - don't delay for too long. Enjoy your days of couple-hood and build a strong marriage foundation, cos when the baby comes, it will rock the strongest of marriages!
For those of you who are preggers - the first couple of months are the hardest but it gets better - trust me, I know. :) I can't lie to say that you will ever sleep longer than 5 hours at a stretch for a long while (if you are breastfeeding or have a baby that just doesn't sleep through the night), or that your marriage will be the same as it was before, or that you will be able to have an uninterrupted meal ever again - but its worth it! Motherhood changes you and teaches you a lot about yourself and makes you a much stronger person if you persist through all its challenges. And I still have the rest of my life to perfect it - here's to an exciting journey ahead!
